The Kong Misadventures
by Rattle and Hum
Summary: Delve into the Kongs' REAL life as Dixie, Candy, Lanky, Chunky, and Tiny go on an epic journey to save DK and Diddy from K.Rool's clutches...or not. Pure toilet humor ensues!
1. A Typical Saturday Morning

Disclaimer: I do not own Donkey Kong or anything else mentioned in this story.

**THIS IS RATED T, BUT ON THE BORDERLINE OF AN M RATING (especially as the story goes on) because I feel most teens nowadays can handle this stuff. If you are offended by or feel you are not mature enough to handle the f-word, mild sexual jokes, and toilet humor, click the little button on your browser that says 'back' and don't whine about it. **

* * *

It was a typical Saturday morning at 8 AM at the Kong household.

Donkey Kong had just gotten up while simultaneously admiring himself in the mirror, before donning his signature red tie and heading off to the kitchen to eat bananas for the rest of the day.

Diddy, who had gotten up two hours ago due to his chronic insomnia, was outside flying around with his jetpack aimlessly.

Tiny was busy arguing with Lanky about what channel to watch on the TV, her choice being to watch Laguna Beach and his Blue's Clues, when Lanky as usual won by using his ability to inflate himself like a balloon and deflating himself by farting directly in her face, whereupon Tiny flew out the window from the impact.

Chunky was busy doing his hourly routine, which consisted of lifting weights for thirty minutes, or at least trying to because he was too stupid to know how. During that time he always somehow manages to shit his pants, so then he'll dejectedly go to the bathroom and attempt to clean himself for another thirty minutes, then he would repeat the routine.

Dixie and Candy, being the only semi-normal Kongs, were still sleeping.

"Hey DK!" Diddy screamed as he flew into the treehouse. "I thought you should know that our golden bananas are gone again."

DK spit out the banana he was currently eating. "What? After I almost busted my ass rescuing you and all the other Kongs, AND at the same time trying to recover our golden bananas and stopping K. Rool from destroying our island?"

Diddy burst out laughing. "You are too gullible." He took off his jetpack and walked into the kitchen and started eating bananas.

"You are a penis with a hat," DK retorted with lack of better comebacks. "Hey Lanky, why don't you have breakfast with us?"

"Shut up! I'm watching Blue's Clues!" Lanky shouted from over the couch.

DK rolled his eyes, used to this by now. "And where's Tiny?"

"Oh, well you know, she went for a walk. Now shut up!"

"Will you eat breakfast with us after Blue's Clues is over?"

"No, Bob the Builder is on next."

Diddy snorted in disgust. "Lanky, we are trying to help you get a life, but..."

Just then a flushing noise was heard from the bathroom and the door swung open forcefully, and Chunky went back to the weight lifting machine. A horrible stench wafted out and everyone but Chunky and DK passed out.

"Hey guys, I should warn you not to go in the bathroom..."

DK sighed. "Aww, but I need to go! These bananas constipate me!"

Just then Tiny walked in, fuming with anger. She stormed over to the couch and beat the shit out of Lanky, who was still passed out, and then switched the TV to Laguna Beach. Lanky woke up shortly after and repeated his balloon inflation, and Tiny once more went crashing out the wall, not that anyone cared of course.

Diddy woke up and looked out the window. He could have sworn he saw a few Kremlings headed towards the house, but he was still groggy  
so he couldn't tell for sure. Oh, and there was Tiny too, but nobody really cared about her.

"Hey DK, there are Kremlings coming towards our house," Diddy pointed out nonchalantly.

"Oh, I'm not falling for that again. Why don't you go outside and play with your cute little jetpack, and maybe fuck yourself while you are at it?"

"DK, I'm serious!"

DK chuckled and downed another banana. "Yeah, right. Well I need to take a shit, and it's gonna be awhile. Have fun with those imaginary kremlings."

Diddy pulled DK by the tie. "Look out the window!"

DK's jaw dropped. "Oh, shit! What do they want with us!"

Diddy shook his head. "I don't know, forget about that! What the hell is going to happen to our girlfriends?"

Suddenly the whole wall collapsed and four green Kremlings came in while making intimidating fighting stances.

"Dude! That was my house! What the fuck compelled you to do that!" DK yelled furiously.

One of the Kremlings snickered. "K. Rool sent us. He has some plans for you. If you want any chance to save your island, you'd better come with us."

"Yeah, and if you don't, you won't like the result!" Another Kremling quipped.

But the Kremlings went ignored as Diddy continued eating bananas and DK went to the bathroom to take care of "business". Chunky and Lanky were always mentally out of it, so they probably didn't even register the fact that there were Kremlings in the house yet.

"How DARE you ignore us!" One of the Kremlings fumed. "Well fine, have it your way. We'll just have to take your girlfriends instead!"

Diddy dropped his banana peel and slipped on it out of surprise.

Donkey Kong screamed from behind the bathroom door.

"Ooh! The agony! Must have been that burrito I ate last night..."

The Kremlings cackled and walked calmly over to Candy and Dixie's room.

"NOOOOO!" Diddy screamed and dashed after them.

"AIEE! That one really stung on the way out..." DK muttered in pain.

* * *

What are the Kremlings going to do to the Kongs?

Is DK going to survive?

Will Lanky get a life?

Will Chunky learn how to lift weights?

Will Tiny learn to defend herself?

Find out in the next chapter.

Return to Top 


	2. The Kremling Mystery

Dixie and Candy awoke suddenly to a knocking on their door.

"Donkey Kong, go away, I'm too tired to peel your banana," Candy muttered and rolled over in her bed.

Dixie, in the other bed, wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Seriously, Candy, you don't have to be such a skank."

Candy shot up. "EXCUSE me? JUST because I have this lovely rack doesn't make me automatically a ho, flat chest!" She flipped her hair dramatically. "And since when did you get such a dirty mind little miss prissy? I meant the banana thing in a literal fashion!"

Dixie shook her head. "Monkeys aren't supposed to have boobs, especially DD's!"

"That's completely irrelevant!"

Just then the door swung open and the four Kremlings stood there. "So this is the kinda thing girls talk about first thing in the morning eh?"

Dixie rolled her eyes and fell back onto her pillow. "Just go back to bed, Candy, I'm confident that the Diddy will take care of this"

"Hell yeah I will!" Diddy shouted and took out his Peanut Popguns.

The Kremling turned around. "OOh! Peanuts! I'm so scared!"

"Just walk out of the house calmly, and nobody gets hurt," Diddy offered.

"Oh really!" The Kremling took out an orange grenade and threw it at Diddy accurately, and it exploded, knocking Diddy out. However, nobody took any notice as Candy and Dixie fell back asleep, DK was still occupied doing who knows what in the bathroom, Lanky was immersed into an intense episode of Bob the Builder, Chunky was busy experimenting with the weight machine, and Tiny was back in the house but still disoriented from Lanky's fart, so of course the Kremlings took advantage of this opportunity and held Diddy hostage.

"Now, we just have to get that sick ass ape out of there, and we get that promotion," one Kremling commented. "Yo! DK! I'm raping your girlfriend!"

"So?" A muffled voice asked behind the door, shortly followed by explosive sounding flatulence.

"Uh, she's your girlfriend, dumbass!"

"OH YEAH!" DK said. "Well she is a slut anyway."

"Err. I meant, uhh, your girlfriend is having sexual relations with Diddy!"

"OH THAT LITTLE BASTARD!" The door swung open and DK emerged. His BO was so overwhelming that the Kremlings felt like they were instantly going to rot. Once he noticed Candy was still sleeping he stood their bewildered.

"So will you come with us? Just a quick talk with K. Rool?"

DK scratched his head. "Hmm...well...Okay!" he stupidly agreed, taking no notice of the state Diddy was in and they left.

Thirty minutes later, Candy and Dixie woke up again.

"I guess Diddy took care of those Kremlings," Dixie said as she donned her pink outfit and put her hair into a ponytail.

"What the hell were Kremlings doing in our house anyway?" Candy asked, putting in her typical ho outfit of pink short shorts and a shirt that shows her midriff that reads "Candy" right over her bulging boobs.

Dixie shrugged. "Let's go ask Diddy or someone."

They walked out of their rooms and into the main room, where Lanky was watching Teletubbies, Tiny was practicing her Saxophone, and Chunky had apparently disappeared off to the bathroom again.

"Hey guys, where are DK and Diddy?" Candy inquired.

Lanky tilted his head. "Uh, I thought they were eating bananas in the kitchen? I guess not...I dunno."

"I don't know either," Tiny admitted. "I kinda don't remember anything that happened this morning..." With that comment Lanky took to whistling the innocent tune.

"How strange," Dixie said, noticing the busted wall. "Well what about those Kremlings?"

"Kremlings? What Kremlings?" Lanky asked.

Candy stomped her foot angrily. "Lanky, that TV is rotting your brain! You probably didn't even know that wall was busted, did you?"

"Ah, who cares. Get a boob reduction." At this an extremely offended Candy threw the TV remote straight into Lanky's skull.

Chunky emerged from the bathroom and went back over to the weight machine.

"Chunky, do you know what happened this morning?" Dixie asked.

Chunky paused for five seconds before answering. "Oh fine, Chunky admit it! Chunky crapped his pants, Chunky sorry...Chunky won't do it again..."

"No, not that! The Kremlings!" Candy screamed.

"Kremlings?"

Candy and Dixie collapsed anime style.

"Okay, you know what? You are all useless sacks of shit!" Candy declared and flipped her hair. "I bet DK and Diddy are in some grave danger right now, thanks to you!"

Chunky's lip quivered and he started bawling uncontrollably.

Dixie shook her head. "Forget them. We have to go find our boyfriends, and we're doing it without them."

"Thank god!" Candy cried, and the two turned around and departed the treehouse into Kongo Bongo Jungle.


	3. The Beginning of the Search

"So..." Dixie began as the two girls trotted through the jungle. "Where exactly do we go first?"

Candy shrugged. "I don't know. I am totally new at this adventure thing. Shouldn't _you_ know?"

Dixie thought for a moment. "Well, who said this is an adventure? We are just looking for DK and Diddy, that's all."

"We should probably ask old fart Cranky if he's seen them," Candy decided.

They walked a little further and through the trees a barrel-shaped cabin became visible, which they entered. Cranky was inside doing some experiment like a mad scientist.

"What do you want?" He bitterly asked.

"Have you seen DK and Diddy?" Candy inquired.

Cranky hesitated. "Stop trying to seduce me, whore-bag."

Candy's jaw dropped in disbelief. "But I was only asking-"

"Shut up, I know perfectly well that monkeys with DD's have bad intentions, especially when it comes to sex machines like me!" Cranky spat. "And for the record, I haven't seen them, thank heavens. Now scram!"

"Well, we have a feeling they were kidnapped by these Kremlings that broke into our house..." Dixie started but was interrupted.

"GET OUT BEFORE I HAVE TO THRUST THIS CANE UPON YOU IN INAPPROPRATE WAYS!" Cranky yelled irately. "Why the hell do you always come to me with your problems, huh?"

Just then Lanky, Chunky, and Tiny entered out of nowhere.

"Hey Cranks, whatcha makin?" Tiny inquired, observing the chemicals he was working with.

Cranky sighed, and rubbed his temples with frustration. "None of your business!"

"It's a secret, isn't it?" Chunky asked. "Chunky like secrets..." Chunky reached over and snatched the potion bottle from Cranky and drank it.

"Chunky! NO!"

Suddenly something sprung up in Chunky's pants. When Chunky saw it he ran around in circles screaming.

"Viagra!" Everyone but Cranky and Chunky shouted.

"Cranky, what the HELL!" Lanky stared in disbelief.

Candy shook her head with disgust. "I don't want to know. C'mon, Dix, let's get out of here."

Lanky stared at them and burst out laughing. "HAHAHA! You said dicks..."

The girls rolled there eyes and left and decided to head over to Funky's shop in Jungle Japes, hoping he would be of some help. They stole Diddy's jetpack and used it to get over there much quicker.

"Hey Funky!" Candy greeted. "Have you seen DK and Diddy?"

Funky shook his head, while pretending to fire a machine gun like he always does for some stupid reason. "Fraid not, Candy-Dude, but I did see that ex-director-dude for K. Rool wandering around. He looked like he was up to something!"

"You mean Snide?" Dixie wondered.

Funky nodded. "Yep."

Candy and Dixie told him about the Kremlings that came in their house that morning.

"Sounds like bad news, dudes. You'll be needing weapons, right?"

Funky tossed a Feather Bow to Dixie. He walked over to Candy slowly.

"Now, for you, Candy-dude, I will enlighten you with the ultimate weapon of mass destruction..."

Funky held out his hands dramatically while some Beethoven shit played in the backround as a peach colored sword with two spherical balls at the handle appeared out of thin air.

Candy took is hesitantly and experimented with it. She swung it around and suddenly white stuff came spraying out in torrents at the tip of the sword.

"How the hell am I supposed to cause mass destruction with this...uh...dicksword?" She said.

"Oh, just think about what DK-dude has taught you!" Funky said and shot Candy a shit-eating salesman's grin.

Dixie and Candy exchanged bemused glances and shrugged. "Well thanks, I guess."

"No problem, Dixie-dude!"

They said good bye and left, now on a pursuit to find Snide...

**

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**

I have no idea where this story is going, I am surprised you read this far. Anyway...

What was Snide up to?

What the hell was with that dicksword?

Will Chunky ever recover from that traumatic experience?

Read the next chapter to find out!


	4. Bondage, Estrogen, and Transexuals?

Chunky whimpered loudly and sucked his thumb as he sat huddled in the corner of Cranky's lab, feeling like he was about to pass out. _Maybe it's gone...should I look down yet? No...it's too scary...Oh fine!_ Bravely, he looked down between his legs, and a fraction of a second later screamed so loud all the windows in the lab broke. "IT WON'T GO AWAY!" He wailed with despair. "This can't happen to Chunky! Chunky supposed to have no penis!"

Tiny shook her head as she rummaged the lab to find some sort of flaccidifier, though she knew chances of finding that were slim, as all she had found so far were a few porno magazines and tapes which she noticed were predominantly for gays. "No, Chunky. You have a penis, no matter how much Rare denied it by leaving out your genitals in DK64. I'm sorry to have to be the one to break it to you." At this Chunky full out broke down. Tiny ignored it and looked over at Lanky, who was still rolled over laughing over the fact that Candy said dicks.

"For fuck's sake Lanky! Help me out here, will ya?"

"Aahahhahah, ahahahhahaha...ha..." Lanky looked around and fell silent. "Hey, where did Cranky go?"

Tiny looked up from what she was doing, perplexed. "Hm, I dunno. That's strange..."

* * *

MEANWHILE... 

Dixie knocked on the door of Snide's H.Q. "Hello? Anyone home?"

No answer.

"Just go in," Candy said and pushed open the door. It was pitch black. Cautiously they walked in, scanning the room for any signs of life.

Abruptly, Candy felt a large, furry thing jump on her, causing her to collapse.

"FREEZE, MOTHER FUCKER! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST BITCH AND HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN-"

Dixie flicked on the light.

Snide gasped and immediately got off Candy. Candy stood up, rather disgruntled, and dusted herself off. She then looked at Snide, who was wearing a tight, rather revealing cop uniform with high-heel boots. In his right hand was a whip, and in his other was a gag.

"Huh? Candy, Dixie?" Snide's jaw dropped and he attempted to cover his outfit up. "I-I'm so sorry, I w-was expecting someone and you weren't him...FUCK! I MEAN HER!"

"Where's my sexy cop?" A raspy voice came from behind the girls. Startled, they turned around, only to find Cranky, much to their dismay. "I brought you a little treat tonight!" He exclaimed as he shook a familiar looking vial in his hand.

"Cranky...Snide? Cop with whip and gag? VIAGRA!?"Candy shrieked in disbelief. "Never mind, I don't want to know!" Candy took Dixie by the hand and they left immediately, not even wanting to hear their shitty explanation.

"Oh my god..." Dixie said as they walked across the grass, scarred for life. "What are we going to do now?"

Candy shook her head and grabbed the jetpack. "I don't know. Obviously, that's what Funky meant by Snide being 'up to something'. Disgusting!"

"Tell me about it..."

"Let's just go home, for now," Candy suggested as she grabbed her dicksword. The girls donned the jetpack and headed off.

* * *

LATER... 

Candy and Dixie walked into their house exhausted. Lanky was vegging on the couch once more watching Dora the Explorer, muttering something about how he swears she is an illegal immigrant. Tiny was eating bananas in the kitchen. Chunky was no where in sight.

"Hey guys!" Dixie greeted. Tiny waved. Lanky was engrossed in the TV and did not respond. "Have you seen Chunky? Is he doing alright?"

"Yeah. I found some estrogen pills in the lab and gave him some. They worked, but I think I overdosed him a little...he spontaneously combusted and said something about how his boobs were sensitive, then he said he was going to Pharma-plus for a Midol..." Tiny shrugged and eyed the mysterious looking sword Candy was holding, however she decided against commenting on it.

"Oh, well that just makes the day a hell of a lot more normal," Candy sarcastically said.

"So have you guys found DK and Diddy?"

"Uh, does it look like it?" Dixie retorted at her younger sibling.

"Well, why don't you go to K.Rool's lair and beat the shit out of him like they would do if you were in their position?"

Candy and Dixie exchanged glances. "Geez, that's actually pretty smart."

"Well, where the fuck is K.Rool's lair?" Candy inquired.

Everyone stood around looking at each other like idiots.

Crickets chirped for a while.

More silence.

Crickets chirped some more.

Lanky sharted explosively.

"Ew! Sick!" Tiny shouted, clearly disgusted. "That's it. I'm outta here. I'm finding K.Rool's lair on my own."

"You know, that's actually a good idea," Dixie said. "Sis, you're pretty smart. Everybody split up!"

Tiny walked over to Lanky and dragged him away from the TV by the ear. "You're coming with me."

"But Dora was just about to hop the border!"

"Shut the fuck up."

Thus, everyone deserted the house.

* * *

LATER... 

Tiny and Lanky walked aimlessly around the Congo Bongo jungle in silence, neither really knowing what they were doing. Just then they heard a nearby shrub rustle, and out came a scantily-clad Klump with long blonde hair and bright red lipstick.

"Psst Lanky..." Tiny whispered. "That Klump's a minion of K.Rool! Think we could get some info from...uh, it? Her? Him?"

Lanky licked his lips and growled. "Sexy mama!"

The Klump turned around and batted its/his/her eyelashes at Lanky. "Yes big boy?"

Lanky growled again and used his ability to elongate his arms to bring the Klump over to him while Tiny vomited noisily.

"You have very long, stretchy arms..." The Klump commented in a very transvestite-like voice.

"Well, you know...my arms aren't my only body part that's long and stretchy!"

The Klump giggled. "I like where this is going..."

* * *

EVEN LATER...

Dixie and Candy walked aimlessly around the Congo Bongo jungle in silence, neither really knowing what they were doing. They walked a little further and noticed a structure of some sort beyond the trees.

"Let's go to that weird house thing over there and see what we can find," Dixie suggested. They walked for a few more minutes until they reached the dingy house, and went over to the door which they did not bother to knock on. Candy opened it.

Before them was a king-sized bed that appeared to be empty. Candy held up her weaponry just in case.

"Hello?" Dixie yelled.

Suddenly, a Klump whose gender was unidentifiable came out from under the sheets and looked over at Candy. "Ooh, honey. Is that your sword or are you just happy to see me?"

Even more suddenly, Lanky emerged from the sheets. "Why did you invite them? I told you, baby, I ain't into orgies."

"Excuse me?" Candy said in disbelief.

Tiny then made her way out of the sheets.

"TINY?!" Dixie fainted.

"Oh my god, shoot me!" Candy hurriedly picked up Dixie and ran as fast as she could away from the shit hole.

"Wait!" a feminine voice came from behind them, and there stood Tiny in all her naked glory. "I can explain!" Tiny finally caught up to them just as Dixie regained her conscience, but fainted again at the sight of her naked prepubescent sister. "I didn't do it to be a whore! I did it for you, Candy!"

Lanky came up abruptly from behind her. "I did it because I'm horny. Hehe."

Candy rolled her eyes. "So, uh, anyway, did you find out anything?"

"Yeah. I found out that Klump was a transexual," Lanky commented before shortly after being hit in the gut with Candy's dicksword.  
"Not you, fuckface!" Candy spat.

Tiny cleared her throat, trying to regain Candy's attention. "Fortunately I did. K.Rool's lair is supposedly a few miles off the east coast of DK Island."

Candy patted her head. "Good girl. But let's just get some clothes on you..."

They then walked home serenly.

**To be continued! Thanks to all my reviewers, you guys are awesome.**


	5. K Rool's Real Motivation

**A/N**: This chapter is easily M rated and may disturb you, or delight you. Proceed with caution, and a sense of humor. Although if you have read this far this probably won't corrupt your innocent childhood image of Donkey Kong...THAT much.

* * *

After a silent walk back through the jungle, the Kongs climbed into the treehouse, relieved to be home. Lanky still had a disturbingly satisfied smile plastered on his face that he had ever since he departed the whorehouse. Candy and Dixie looked somewhat drained and wordlessly retreated to their room for a nap. As Tiny walked in, a shrill scream broke the remaining windows of the treehouse as a result of Chunky, who was sitting in a corner re-evaluating the quality of his life, having seen his naked cousin and not knowing how to properly express the feelings of incestual desire that suddenly welled up inside him. Tiny responded by blushing furiously and headed off to her room as well. 

"It tingle!" Chunky bellowed and crouched on the floor in fetal position.

"Yeah," Lanky rolled his eyes as he searched for a banana in the kitchen, accustomed to Chunky's retard-esque outbursts.

"Nooooo! It feels...good..."

"Chunky, before I even think about why the fuck you are masturbating in the corner of the living room, allow me to inquire where the fuck all the bananas went?" Lanky asked nonchalantly.

Chunky scratched his head for approximately ten seconds. "...Chunky ate them all."

Lanky huffed. "I am hungry, you tit!" Lanky picked up the TV sitting idly on the kitchen floor and chucked it at Chunky, who deftly ducked just in time as he whimpered and crawled over to the other corner of the room. "Whoring myself off to a gender-challenged Klump with your cum dumpster cousin Tiny really took a lot out of me, do you understand?"

"I'm sorry!" he pouted pathetically, although not really understanding.

"Yeah! You better b...hey, why was the TV there in the first place?" Lanky asked as he grew increasingly pissed off.

Chunky twiddled his thumbs and nervously looked down. "Well, Chunky feel bad about causing so much trouble today, so Chunky bought you a slut."

Lanky looked rather surpised, albeit not pleased. "Normally, I would accept that gift, but I already had my sexual satisfaction for today. Anyway, where is this slut you are speaking of."

Chunky bolted up, suddenly happy, and pointed to a high-tech looking device in front of the couch. "Behold, the **S**accular **L**amprophonic **U**ltimate **T**elevision! Isn't she a beauty?" He bounced up and down excitedly.

Lanky looked confused for a moment but then understood. "Ooh, right, right. I know what those are," he alleged. "Damn! This TV is tubular! Well, what are you waiting for? Turn on the S.L.U.T."

"But I can't seem to push the S.L.U.T.'s buttons correctly," Chunky grunted, fruitlessly attempting to work the remote.

"What are you, stupid? It's a S.L.U.T.! All you do is push the button way down there and it'll come on."

"Oh, yes! Chunky got it on!" he screamed with satisfaction as the TV flicked on. He started flipping through a few channels, when Candy and Tiny abruptly entered, both slightly distraught looking.

"Can't a girl get some sleep around here?" Candy complained, but went unheard. They appeared to be watching a soap opera of sorts.

"I love you so much!" A monkey on the TV whined. "I slit my wrists and black my eyes every hour because you don't love me back. Don't you care?"

The male ape sneered dramatically. "I'm sorry, but...you're just not emo enough!"

The monkey took out a gun from her pocket and brought it slowly up to her head, trembling. "Why, god, WHY!" She pulled the trigger.

"NOOOO!" The male ape rushed over to her, took her gun, then proceeded to kill himself as well.

Chunky and Lanky started crying.

"Oh, why did it have to end this way?" Lanky blew his nose into a tissue, and passed it to Chunky.

Chunky wiped his eyes with it. "Chunky get the chocolate," he offered, and walked out of the room, oddly in the direction of Dixie's room.

Tiny rolled her eyes, taking the remote from Lanky. "Let's watch the news."

Lanky angrily snatched it back. "Fuck no! Can't you see I'm involved with this S.L.U.T.?"

"Frankly, I do not care. If you do not give me the remote, I will be forced to sever you...Lorena Bobbit style." Tiny grinned at the pleasant thought.

"Okay." Lanky continued to stare blankly at the screen.

Tiny turned red from his blatant disregard of her threat. "THAT'S IT!" She lunged for him in a blind rage, but Lanky being used to this, simply stretched his arm over to Candy and grabbed the dicksword that she was cradling in her arms in an eerily protective fashion and swung it swiftly at Tiny's face. The impact was fatal. Tiny flew out the wall in a particularly ill-suited manner, and her neck snapped from the excessive force, and blood spurted everywhere as Tiny and her head bounced onto the soil below. Tiny Kong was killed by a cockslap.

"Pwned!" Lanky shouted in triumph, but only took a moment to bask in his glory before watching the TV again as if nothing ever happened.

"You sick, twisted fuck!" Candy stomped over and slapped Lanky, retrieving her dicksword. "How dare you steal my dicksword, you gay twat!" She huffed and stomped her way back to her room, not giving a second thought to Tiny, because nobody really cared about her.

"Heh," Lanky snickered, rubbing his stinging cheek.

* * *

_Meanwhile..._

"Dixie! Wake uuuuuuuuuuppp!" Chunky tried for the thirtieth time. Dixie did not so much as budge. Chunky sighed, knowing this was not working, but immediately perked up when a great idea suddenly dawned on him.

He pulled down his pants and fixated his ass directly under her nostrils, and ripped one. The noise was deafening, enough to make a small child cry, but despite this, however, that was not what woke Dixie up.

"OH THE DELICIOUS SMELL OF BACON, EGG, AND CHEESE FOR BREAKFAST!" Dixie darted up, only to find herself face-to-ass with Chunky. Only a second later did Chunky find himself on the floor with a red hand mark.

"That was kinky!" Chunky giggled girlishly right as Candy just so happened to walk in the room. She quickly processed the situation and turned around, a mixture disgusted and embarrassed.

"I've had just about enough of this fucked up family!" Candy protested with fury. "Now, are we going to continue fingering our assholes, or are we going to actually rescue DK and Diddy now?"

"Continue fingering our assholes," Lanky declared.

* * *

Tiny's eyes opened. She felt extremely groggy yet somehow fresh. It was very, very hot. Where was she? Her vision became clearer, and surrounding her was a vast plain of rocks and volcanoes spewing out lava. It was a bit dark though. She looked up, and there was a blood red sky. This was really starting to scare her. Suddenly, an figure appeared before her. 

"Welcome to Hell," It said in a manly voice.

"Hillary Clinton?"

"No, stupid bitch. I am Hell itself.

"Wha...what? I died?" Tiny looked around. "...AND WENT TO HELL?"

"Shut up, wankstain! I reviewed your record, and it says that you prostituted yourself to a transgendered Klump, streaked throughout Kongo Bongo Jungle, and sexually aroused your cousin. Therefore, your new home is hell."

"WHAAAATT? BUT THIS CAN'T HAPPEN TO ME! IT WAS ONLY ONE DAY!"

"Too bad, so sad. Doesn't change the fact that you are eternally damned. And for your information, you are now an imp. I have a certain demon friend of yours that you may be happy to see. You can bitch to her."

"Wha..." Tiny instantly disappeared and felt briefly dizzy, but found herself to be in a cave of some sort. There was a devilish looking old lady knitting something in a chair in the center of the room.

"Hello?" Tiny nervously inquired.

The old lady looked up and abruptly dropped whatever she was doing. "Oh, my god! Could it be? Tiny, is that you!"

Tiny slowly backed away, becoming suspicious and slightly frightened. This lady had a pitchfork, two horns coming from her head, red eyes, and a red tail. Although she looked vaguely familiar...

"It's me, Wrinkly Kong!"

Tiny's eyes widened. "Holy hell, it is you! Why are you in hell? I thought you went to heaven..."

Wrinkly shook her head. "It is not important...what happened to you?"

So Tiny told her everything that had happened, from the Kremlings to the kidnapping all the way to the murder Lanky committed.

"And, so, that's why I am here apparently. What about you?"

Wrinkly remained quiet a few moments as if contemplating something. "It is a long story."

"No, tell. I have an eternity to listen."

Wrinkly chuckled in a saddened manner. "Okay...well, it all started with Cranky. I began to notice some...odd behavior, to say the least. He would disappear during the day and sometimes would not come home at night! He left me very worried and...um, unsatisfied. So one day I spied on him, and found out he was having an affair...with..." Wrinkly paused to sniff before grunting with fury, "Snide! This left me heartbroken, and so in a fit of sexual tension I went and looked for another partner behind his back. And..." Wrinkly gulped. "I fell in love with K. Rool, for he was just as unsatisfied as me. He seemed to have been harboring a fetish for monkeys, which may have explained his constant kidnapping of you all...anyway, we lived happily ever after...until I died, that is. I am here because I was unfaithful to Cranky, long story short..."

"Oh," Tiny said, not knowing how else to react. "K.Rool has been acting more volatile since your death, now that I think about it..."

Wrinkly sighed. "You know how you mentioned DK and Diddy's recent disappearance?"

Tiny nodded.

Wrinkly sighed again. "Well, I have a pretty good idea what his sexually unsatisfied self is up to...and it isn't DK and Diddy who need rescuing, it's Dixie and Candy, if you get my drift..."

Tiny raised her eyebrows. "Don't tell me he's...!"

"He is using DK and Diddy as a lure for Dixie and Candy to come to his lair, so he can take advantage of them without the worries of being opposed. K. Rool is not as dumb as you may think," She rolled her eyes. "My grandson is the dumbass, getting himself captured so easily."

Tiny groaned. "Ugh, what-_ever_! I can't believe I'm stuck in such a fucked up story. If that's true, why didn't K. Rool do this much earlier instead of stealing our stupid banana hoard?"

"Because he had me," Wrinkly smiled mischeviously. "However, I think I know a way we can help them."

* * *

Is Wrinkly right? 

Will Lanky ever be able to turn off the S.L.U.T.?

Is Tiny really eternally damned?

Will the Kongs ever make themselves useful?

To be continued...


End file.
